Bitches With Altitude (Fly The Unfriendly Skies)

Everything you could ever desire, young man

"Thank you for flying the unfriendly skies of BWA (Bitches With Altitude), please sit back and be comfortable, would you like your complimentary nuts served now? We can give them to you tied up, vacuum packed and 'roasted', or perhaps you would prefer them to be "CRUSHED"? Our 'soup of the day' is called REVENGE, a dish best served cold. Your in-fight magazine is available in the flap in front of you, please leave it rolled up so we can better smack you across the head should you step 'out of line'. If air-turbulence becomes 'too rough', and we have to make an emergency landing, crouch down and stick your head between your legs and kiss your sphincter muscle a final goodbye, should you somehow miraculously survive, make sure to then put on your inflatable vest before jumping into the choppy seas... oh, and don't forget to leave your wallet neatly folded on the top of your seat. A headset will also be made available for your listening pleasure, feel free to enjoy melodies from many different musical genres… however, if you're looking for 'love songs' written for men by adoring women, then FORGET IT!!!  There are no such songs in the discography of Humanity!!!" *

More often than not, I hear a 'similar story' coming from the lives and relationships of those I encounter on a daily basis. The narrative goes something like this: The guy is usually a kind of a 'happy-go-lucky' type, not unlike a big ol' dog, just wanting to joke, play and eat food, having a bit of fun from time to time, combining 'creative activities' with his daily work. But the sad reality is, these kinds of guys usually end up aligning themselves with very high ranking officials at BWA. As a man, to be dating or married to one of these types, is to experience a holographic parallel to all those other guys 'stuck' in a similar situation. 

'Likes attract', and knowing this, I refuse to solely accuse our uptight flight attendants. 

Usually, members of BWA are very "career oriented" individuals, who enjoy a "lifestyle" which combines elements such as 'Yoga' 'Weight Watcher's' 'Mac Laptops', and their accompanying 'iPhone' or 'Blackberry' in order to better 'text message' any one of their 508 Facebook "friends", whilst sipping on their Venti non-fat 'Chai Latte's' from Starbuck's. Why am I being so hard on these kinds of women? Maybe it's because I haven't been laid in a while, or perhaps it's because I held too much false hope for most members of the fairer sex, in comparison to the monster truck warring overgrown toddlers we call 'Men', Women were my last hope for our species. Now, to be a 'woman' it seems, is to celebrate and revel in this newfound bitchy power paradigm, as more and more Women are enlisting to become 'card carrying members' of BWA.**  

The worst part of BWA enrolment is intertwined with the unforgiving and immutable 'laws of attraction'. These princesses can always expect to wind up with any one of two types of male. The ubiquitous self-centred asshole whose personal obsessions mirrors the woman's own narcissism, or the "EUWW" also known as the Emasculated and Ubiquitous Western Wuss…there are very few exceptions to this rule. So for any man reading this, the first thing you must ask yourself when entering into a relationship with this kind of woman is: "Do I feel lucky???"  well, do ya, PUNK!?

Put down that weapon, Dirty HC

Entering into a relationship with this kind of woman (or so I've observed) is to tempt fate. But the 'catch' is this: due to any given BWA member's ability to highly regulate and withhold her affections, any man with 'low self-esteem' feels empowered once able to win the affections of this kind of woman, giving him all the ego-gratification of one who has just managed to 'bust' some kind of 'bitch bronco'…HEY, what a trophy!!!…But the reality is, she has only chosen at this point in time to play the 'nice' card, probably unrelated to any good thing you think you may have done!  (always remember, be careful what you wish for, "DUDE"!)***  

BWA attendants can be at times very 'nice', even supportive…they will laugh at your 'jokes' and even take an 'interest' in your 'passions'; the really skilled ones actually even believe their own lies. At this point, all seems to be going well, then you decide, based on this delusion, to take the relationship to 'another level', after all, she has chosen YOU above all the other guys, that's right "YOU", and don't forget what mommy always told you "YOU'RE SPECIAL!!!"   BWA has given you your new sense of self-worth 'externally', and for this reason, you are now dependent on HER for a 'safe journey', and when locked into a highly pressurized cabin at 36 000 feet, pulling the 'escape hatch' is just not an option.

BWA always Knows where it's going!

Soon the mood darkens, as you pass through a storm cell, you're both now at the mercy of any in-flight turbulence, because while you were eating your 'Chicken Cacciatore' or dozing off watching your 'in-flight movie', a BWA member managed to stealthily tighten your seatbelt without you realizing it (that is to say, all the points of mutual attachment: the car, the house, and in a worse case scenario,the KIDS)..  At that point, unless you are an unforgiving asshole alpha-male equipped with a golden parachute and a lot of nerve, you can kiss your autonomy goodbye!  

Now she begins to dictate the new terms of your reality, always knowing the Travel Authorities are on her side, she also knows her 'rights' better than you do yours…she can predict your behaviour in advance and has a sixth sense when it comes to understanding your deepest fears; she exploits your weaknesses and uses them against you, she controls your desires and your fears through a combination of positive and negative reinforcement, because at this altitude, she can't afford to be at the mercy, and capricious whims, of an irate male passenger.****

This is why the BWA flight attendant has kept her 'playing cards' so close to her chest all this time, she wants total control over her life, and at this moment, you are a piece of that life, like that soulless piece of Ikea modular furniture purchased together one rainy Saturday 27 months ago. If your wishes are not in concordance with her wishes, she must then at least have the ability to control you too. 

 I don't blame these women though, females have historically been shit upon by men, and perhaps this BWA phenomenon is simply our 21st century 'karmic comeuppance'. 

                                                                                ~END~

any resemblance in this post to persons living or dead is purely coincidental

*(Although many men have written songs honouring the first names of just about every woman who ever lived, from South Bend Indiana to the South Sandwich Islands, so far I've come up empty in my search for love songs written by women for men. There are some songs women have written about men, like Carly Simon's "You're So Vain", or a plethora of other tunes critical of men, none however have been written in adoring praise of their male partners, or more specifically actual men's first names. I have come to the conclusion that the only men most women truly 'love' are either (A) their daddies, (B) their sons,© their brothers or (D) none of the above…ok, possibly their hairdresser, or some really 'cool' gay guy.)

**(If you are a woman, ask yourself this question, for fun: "Am I a bitch?" How could you objectively know. What might be the characteristics of a bitch to one, might seem docile and feminine by another's standards. So based on this, I can only give you my subjective view of what a bitch is. A bitch is generally an pathologically unsmiling woman, one who uses the fear based repression of her gentle nature to intimidate, manipulate, and assert herself in social environments she is either threatened by, or assumes to be hostile. It is a self-defence mechanism she uses to protect herself based on the perception that if she doesn't, a highly competitive and manipulative world will either subdue or consume her, . This way of being probably 'works' for some women, or at least appears to on a superficial level, but the only way to truly determine to what degree it 'works', would be to gauge the level of tender intimacy these types of women achieve in their lives.) 

***(Remember, when observing a potential member of BWA,  I'm always convinced she wants to be MORE than just a member, what she wants is an actual 'member'! ;) ;)  I'm predicting, should we survive a 2012 Mayan apocalypse (which in my opinion, at this point ,is 50/50 at best), the next fashion trend to supplant tattoos and piercings will be 'hormone injections' allowing women to grow beards. moustaches, sideburns and 'soul patches'. And together with her newly casted and colour matching phallus, at that point, she can proceed to happily subjugate my gender, with all the deterministic fervour to which my gender has historically subjugated hers.)

****(My own experience with these kinds of women are as follows: when in a situation where it is impossible to make 'a flight connection', (ie: she is married, in a committed relationship, or sitting in a shuttle bus going in the opposite direction), then and only then, will you see her 'friendly' or even 'flirtatious' side. But cross her unprepared at an untimely intersection, or sit next to her at the airport bar, she will use all her willpower to avoid making any contact with you. It's actually quite astonishing as to what level she will go to to negate your existence)

Dirty CT   November 2011