Un-Mutual Of Omaha's Wild Human Kingdom

A Leopard can't change his spots

Welcome to 'Un-mutual of Omaha's Wild Human Kingdom' and I'm your host Marlin Gherkin!

This week we look at the mating and spousal rituals of a species we're all too familiar with, The Occidental Human and the mating and dysfunctional relationships within it's complex habitat.

The 'Ubiquitous Occidental Male' strongly desires his 'Occidental Female Mutation' counterpart, and in order to ensure her chances of procreating, the newly mutated Occidental Female takes steps to make herself as 'irresistible' as possible to the Male. She accomplishes this by keeping a slim physique, wearing tight fitting and sometimes revealing clothing, whilst attempting to assert her own 'individuality' often by projecting a mystique, which usually incorporates strategic piercings, brazen tattoos, and by manifesting her own sense of 'personal style'. Another skill once used, but which is now in decline in occidental culture is our Female Mutation's cooking ability, and it's capacity to win over her Male through the weakness of his ravenous appetite…this decline is probably due to the plethora and availability of cheap fast food restaurants.

And because the mutated Female's imperative is to 'reproduce', she realizes that what she needs to accomplish her genetic mission boils down to TWO essential things: Sperm, and Resources… but now she has found her perfect match, the 'Ubiquitous Occidental Male'.

The Female Mutation knows the Occidental Male has been conditioned by his culture not to focus on the introspective thoughts of self-analysis, but instead by nurturing a mechanism which will prove to be his ultimate undoing, the fabrication and cultivation of his 'fragile ego'!  He begins to receive this validation once he's full grown and is able to afford buying a real version of the toy car, truck or motorcycle he once played with as a child.

The 'Occidental Female Mutation' also knows her male counterpart is generally weak in the face of his own desires. Her capacity to 'outlast' the Male of the species is well documented. She knows the 'Love' he feels for 'his woman', is only a natural mechanism developed throughout millions of years of evolution designed to keep him faithful to her, and in order to better maintain a cohesive family unit, whose stability is essential for the psychological and thus social 'well being' of 'HER' offspring.

In fact, the entirety of occidental culture revolves around the adoration of the Occidental Male, and the nurturing and construction of his fragile ego. Once this animal-human hybrid reaches maturity, he soon becomes the perfect dupe for a plan which stimulates global economic expansion, subjugating peoples of less developed cultures, whilst having a devastating impact on our planets ecosystem.

The Female Mutation's next step is to then become the 'object' of the Males desire. What she must now decide, is which kind of 'Ubiquitous Occidental Male' she wishes to attract...once she has decided on a 'type' (and there are many) she will then proceed to assume a sense of style she knows will attract the type of Occidental Male which best suits her needs.

She develops and perfects this technique in order to get 'him' to approach 'her', and once he does this, she can now feel free to proceed into a relationship with him, confidently knowing that it is SHE who has the 'upper hand'.

By returning his affections, and even showing an interest in his passions, she manages to pull off her 'coup d'etat' by gently inflating our 'Ubiquitous Occidental Male's' 'fragile ego', This act reinforces his delusional sense of self-importance and causes him to believe somehow she has selected 'him' above all other Males. Our Occidental Male then 'falls in love' with the Female Mutation, even to a point where his deterministic programming provides him with a feeling of possessiveness towards her.

Soon our couple enter into a relationship, which in turn leads to three things: a Marriage, a House, and/or Kids.

Once these deeds are consummated, our Occidental Male must be thinking he has won some kind of lottery, and has in no way any desire to change this 'perfect' system... oh, but that's until… 

The Female Mutation begins to 'change' dramatically, This is one of nature's most astounding metamorphosis'…as her 'true intentions' now begin to swell up from it's dormant home within murky depths of her sub-conscious mind, and on up to it's new home, at the very forefront of her newly realized 'Occidental Female Conscious Personae'.

The Female's interest in the Males 'passions' soon begins to wane, and it is now time for her to begin issuing her demands, These demands will often require the 'Ubiquitous Occidental Male' to do much 'unforeseen' labour, make uncomfortable social commitments, and steadfastly engage in the insatiable economic expansion of the family unit.   

Boy, she really has 'our old boy' on a treadmill now!!!

For our Male, unable to keep pace with this new paradigm, he soon resents this new reality, and begins to develop a generally grouchy demeanour. Our Female Mutation now begins to feel 'unloved' and soon engages in the highly political process of 'withholding her affections'.

Due to his gender programming, the Ubiquitous Occidental Male doesn't fully understand the transformation happening to his beloved wife, and is unable to properly communicate his frustrations to her, causing him to make attempts at mastering the art of telepathy.. by now he's beginning to feel very insecure, or even 'trapped'! 

"Ahh Ya Monkey!"

Thoroughly confused, at this point, the Occidental Male attempts in vain to rekindle 'amorous relations' with the Female Mutation. Sensing his desire to appease her wrath, the Female quickly stonewalls the Male until the Male is able to somehow 'get with her program'. If our Ubiquitous Occidental Male is unable to do this, the Female Mutation will then proceed to nag him incessantly by becoming quite crabby;  as she is now becoming a general drag on his daily existence.

Bravo Occidental Female Mutation!  our Ubiquitous Occidental Male's 'fragile ego' is now thoroughly and completely shattered!

Living a life of misery, our Male can now see only three options available to him: 

1. Infidelity, (cheating on his wife, having a mistress, boinking the neighbour, or seeking the services of a prostitute)

2. External Violence (manifesting against either his wife, kids, or a fellow co-worker, in the form of 'Road Rage' or perhaps against the 'asshole' husband living next door)

3. Self-Violence (alcohol abuse, and other substance abuse, and other extreme forms of self-hate) 

Once the Male has selected anyone of these three options, our shortsighted and Ubiquitous Occidental Male has earned the privilege of having chosen his method of self-destruction.  Perhaps this is his roundabout way of avoiding a painful confrontation by provoking causality directly.

Our Female Mutation is now 'free' to file for a divorce, by the legal and administrative process of taking her now former Ubiquitous Occidental Male partner to 'the cleaners'. 

There's 'good news' though!  Our 'Ubiquitous Occidental Male' is also now 'free' to pursue a new course of becoming 'trapped once again' by yet another 'Occidental Female Mutation' anxious to take whatever of his measly resources remains.

Now our 'Occidental Female Mutation' is free to spend her afternoons sipping lattes at the corporate franchise coffee-shop of her choice, whilst texting anyone of her 508 Facebook 'friends', or to perhaps even experiment with her newfound sexual orientation.

For the Occidental Female Mutation it's: "Mission Accomplished!"  as she has now both 'procreated' and secured precious resources. And although our Male may never be totally free of his financial servitude, he is at least free from living in a house on a day-to-day basis with 'that fucking bitch'.

Winner: The Occidental Female Mutation,

Silver medal: Our lowly and Ubiquitous Occidental Male, 

and the loser(s): 'the kid(s)'.

So until next week…This is Marlin Gherkin saying 'so long' from 'Un-Mutual of Omaha's Wild Human Kingdom'!

Dirty CT   December 2011