Sunday, February 6, 2011

Osiris And Friends

O Osiris where are you?
Osiris: Some bad things I can recycle, reanimate. But the bad things I can't do much anything with, I simply trash.
Nostradamus: Interesting. So, what to do about this Mubarak character up there?
Osiris: Not sure yet. He seems to be one of those 'bad' things I can't recycle, so to speak. He's rather too aged and senile... can't do much.
The Furry batman (FB): Yo, that sorta reminds me of dat sayin': da Nile ain't a river in Phoenix!
Osiris: Aargh you ignorant bat-brain! That's Egypt, not Phoenix!
Nostradamus: Perhaps you can't do much because Mr M is the dreaded 'Mabus' character I prophesied. Bringer of darkness in this here part of the world?
Mabus! Not him again. I thought Bush and Obama were supposed to be 'Mabus'! – said Osiris in a rather impatient tone.
A confused Nostradamus was just about to defend himself when he was cut off by...
FB: Yo, thought Mabus my main man was Osama?
Osiris: Confusing. Just like the current situation above ground.
I believe the mortals above will find a way to deal with Mr M. I gather – said Osiris in a rather non-plussed voice.
FB: Hey Osi, can't you do anything with all those magical powers you got Bro?
Osiris: 'Fraid I can't this time. My old supernatural abilities seemingly are being blocked or interfered with by all kinds of shit produced by those meddling human mortals.
Nostradamus: Such as?
Such as microwave and radioactive radiation, mostly. Great disburbances created by large bodies of crude oil leaving the underworld for above, the North Atlantic pump slowing down and shit like Haarp, have also hindered my powers. Unfortunate, but alas true my friends...
FB: Ya, I knowz what you mean Bro. I no longer seem to be a threat to mortals as well. Yo, things known as 'drones' appear to instill fear in the hearts of humans. Not to mention a host of tv entertainment shows called CSI this and CSI that and the other... mortals prefer getting the sh... scared out of them by the likes of a Dexter deity dude for f... sakes!
Nostradamus: Dexter? He might be the next 'Mabus'!?
Osiris and FB in a chorus: Shut the f... up Nostradamus!
The things though that really irk me the most, are those strange passtimes mortals seem to be spending untold amounts of time with... What do they call it: 'spacebook' and 'Quitter'?
FB: Bro, what a' riot dude! Did Isis forget to attach your brain to the rest of you when she pieced yuz back together? Bad enough she couldn't find your dick!
Nostradamus: That's a good one man! As Nostradamus and FB laughed their guts out in unison much to Osiris' contempt for them.
Nostradamus: Hey Osiris, you forgot, they're called facebook and twitter, respectively.
FB: Ya bros. Humans spend more time with that shit than anything else these days!
Osiris: What the f... No wonder my powers are diminishing. There is a known correlation linking my underworld-ly powers and abilities with the number of conscious human souls up there in the overworld. I suspect these spacebook and quitter activities are reducing human mortals' capacity to generate any significant level of awareness! Upsetting to say the least. I sort of wish Set was part of that spacebook racket, he may well not have cut me into pieces and scattered me hither and tither, preoccupied he might have been with all that button-pushing sh...!
Nostradamus: Aargh, it's facebook and twitter Osi...
Shut the f... up Nostradamus! - said Osiris in an even more impatient and angry delivery.
FB: Hey superNat Dudes, CNN is showing more of these dead birds found on the side of roads and stuff?
Nostradamus: You don't suppose this is an omen coming from Horus, don't you?
Osiris: No sh... It's not Horus' style. FB, you're winged and evil, what's your take on the dead birds?
FB: Yo Bro, I'm a furry' bat. Not a bird dude. Besides, fish were also found dead by the ton in 'ol hillbilly country! Ain't the flying variety either.
Nostradamus: Fish, an old Christian symbol... You don't think that...
Osiris: Don't wanna hear it...
Nostradamus: Wait a minute! A French anagram for Mabus..
FB: I'm blocking my big furry ears!
Nostradamus: ...could be Morue!
Osiris: What in the name of Ankh is 'Morue'!?
Nostradamus: Morue is the French word for cod! Cod is a fish dudes!
FB: Holy f... Nostradamus you've lost me dude! Howz you got from Mabus to Morue to f... cod!
Nostradamus: Listen, a prophet has to keep his audience interested. Besides, I can't tell you everything now... you'll have to buy my next book in order to find out!
Osiris: What a f... shyster you are Nostradamus. Profit is just another word for Prophet where I come from!
Nostradamus: Wait a minute, don't be so harsh! I can tell you this much since both of you are members of my Prophet club: it's not really the word 'cod', but co2, the greenhouse gas. The letter 'd' stands for the number 2 in French: deux!
FB: Unhhh, what da f... Hey dudes, I'm gone, I can only take so much of this kind of sh... in one day. Gotta find this Dexter dude, show him my furry fists!
Osiris: Well, I gotta keep my eyes on Mr M up there. I may need to call on my fellow deities for help. By the gods of ancient Egypt, we will need all the help we can muster!
Nostradamus: Sorry Osi, my blackberry needs recharging, can't stay. Gotta go as well.
Osiris: I have to wonder, what the f... is happening these days with this underworld anyway?

Pierre Duranleau aka Cafargo
(no longer contributing to this site)

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