Wednesday, December 21, 2011

2012, One Year From Today

"It's the final countdown"
A year ago today I wrote a post which attempted to sneak a glimpse at the world on December 21st 2012. 
A year has since past and much has changed, so I thought I would revisit this issue and see if, or how any changes have happened which point to the prophetic fulfillment of the Mayan predictions for that day.

-Euro meltdown causing a global financial meltdown: 50%

Like the collapse of Lehman Brothers in 2008, the eventual collapse of the Eurozone is likely to begin a Domino Effect cascading through financial markets leading to the ultimate collapse of our monetary system. It will be the end of the world as we know it, in that paper money, and credit will no longer be accepted as a proxy for energy and wealth.

-Solar Storms: 31%
As our sun reawakens to it's new eleven year solar maximum, we can expect some unprecedented x-class solar flares, any of which could be strong enough to wipe out telecommunications, power grids, Disney World etc…

-World War III : 28.5%
Yep, this is not a pleasant prospect to say the least, but with tensions mounting in Syria, and NATO planning to intervene, the conflict will likely draw in Iran, therefore Israel, therefore Russia and China, and with a nuclear armed Pakistan simmering to the south, the resource war to end all resource wars could be only a few short months away.

-Pole shift: 2%
We are overdue, long overdue, this natural phenomenon happens every 750 000 years, could this be the year???

-Comet or Asteroid strike 1.9%
Outer space is a BIG place, but this kind of shit is a common occurrence, we haven't experienced anything like this in a loooong time, another possibility which is long overdue.

-Alien Landing 0.4%
If they exist, it's safe to say they have been here since our inception as a species, in that they would need to be millions if not billions of years older than us in order to develop an understanding of physics and space time necessary to make such a voyage. Their 'arrival' would no doubt challenge much about our assumptions and belief systems we have used as coping truly would be the end of the world as we know it.

-Return of the Flying Monkeys: 0.0000006%
It was 'just a movie' they said, 'couldn't happen in real life' they said, well I've got news for you, The Flying Monkeys from 'The Wizard of Oz' can, and COULD very well make their triumphant return, terrorizing peoples from Kuwait to Kansas. It's also highly unlikely, but ya never know?!

I stand by my final words in last years post, that SOMETHING will happen, and it will cause a paradigm shift of sorts. To those who believe in the Mayan Calendar prophecies, it's fulfillment will be obvious. To those who think it's a lot of bunk, they will continue to deny the incredible changes our world is undergoing, and refuse to believe the Mayan's foresaw any of this.

Total possibility of SOME major event happening: 113.8000006%

Dirty CT   December 2011

Monday, December 19, 2011

Requiem For A Heavyweight

As I like to remember him

Writer Christopher Hitchens passed away this week, and with his passing a void has been left in the lives of those he inspired, as well as those he antagonized.

He was the 'Atheist Messiah', a leader to the many followers who've devoted their lives to the 'Church of Argument', an 'anointed one' for those who worship at the alter of his 'cult of personality'. 

He so very much enjoyed using and abusing his great gift as a 'scathing polemicist'. He was so very skilled at eviscerating and nullifying the objects of his contempt, whilst maintaining his trademark 'matter of fact' disposition, poured over an icy glass of deadpan dismissive indifference, polished off with a strategic cough, sip of his drink or playful chuckle.

God I hated his pompous diatribes against God, and his attempts to pry open that rusty 'can o-worms' for profit, and his crusade to enlighten the unwashed masses to the evils of Religion and 'Islamo-Fascism', whilst invoking the resurrection of the most boring question in Philosophy since "is the glass half full or half empty".

He took pleasure in saying what had not yet been said, often ambushing us with his mercenary wit. And If he's 'moved on' to a better place, let's hope for his sake it resembles the 'Twilight Zone' than heaven forbid, Heaven… a place which he once referred to as a 'Celestial North Korea'!  

Isn't it only fitting how Kim Jong Il passed away just a few short days later? Perhaps God, Rod Serling or both, called on the only leader known who could restore any semblance of order after a weekend of Hitchens running amok. 

"Here's to your health"
Oh, and I would be remiss if I neglected to mention what an asshole he could be, and an alcoholic, addicted to a smorgasbord of substances ranging from nicotine to argument induced endorphins.

Despite my spite, I must acknowledge we have all become poorer without him. Oh, and speaking of 'poorer', he once had the audacity to call out that sacred cow Mother Theresa... only Hitchens, or an ass-wipe of the highest order, would dare criticize such a virtuous example of selfless compassion.

Now after a brief battle with cancer, we are left with a gaping hole in human discourse. There is one thing we can be grateful for though, and that's the fact we won't have Christopher Hitchens to push us around anymore.

Dirty CT   December 2011

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Mary Celeste Revisited

"Then she appeared"
Finally, a proper explanation for the mystery of the ghost ship 'The Mary Celeste' has been put forward, 139 years too late, by none other than ME!

This American, 282-gros ton brigantine merchant ship, was found drifting in the North Atlantic on December 4th 1872 by a Canadian merchant ship, the 'Dei Gratia', near the Azores Islands. It was carrying 1,701 barrels of alcohol, a six months supply of food; It was NOT carrying it's lifeboat, passengers or crew.

There have been many theories which have attempted to explain exactly what happened aboard that ship, ranging from alcohol induced madness, mutiny, piracy, tsunamis, and 'sea quakes'. I'm not going to run through all the theories, as each one has been sufficiently posited, challenged and refuted.

I was surprised though, that there is no theory for what I feel is the obvious explanation of this maritime mystery, which is the possibility of 'stowaways'.

When the ship was discovered by Captain Moorehouse of the 'Dei Gratia', the boat was found drifting but still seaworthy, and listing slightly. None of the ship's precious cargo was noted missing, and the only things taken was a marine chronometer a sextant, and the ship's lone lifeboat.

When the ship was sailed to it's intended destination, Genoa Italy, nine of it's 1,701 barrels of alcohol/wine fortifier were found empty. Adding to the mystery was that the ship was not flying a distress signal, there was no mention of any problems in the Captain's logbook, there was a lot of water found between decks, including three and a half feet (1.1 m) in the hold. Only one of the ship's pumps was found operational (the other two having been disassembled). The peak halyard, used to hoist the main sail was missing, and later found tied tightly and trailing frayed in the water behind the boat.

'Sherlock CT' surmises that the nine 'empty' barrels had not been empty when the Mary Celeste had been docked on New York City's East River, on November 5th 1872. She sailed out of port under the command of Captain Benjamin Spooner Briggs, heading east to Europe and the straights of Gibraltar.
Those barrels either contained stowaways, extra cargo, or both, probably loaded deliberately by 'well paid' stevedores, perhaps at the insistence of their 'Boss' if you know what I mean.

Continuing my theory, the Stowaways on board were probably wealthy, and/or desperate to escape some personal 'trouble' in North America. It would be interesting to see if any persons of note went missing or were presumed dead in the months surrounding the Mary Celeste incident.

Once the vessel sailed within proximity of the Azores Islands, the Stowaways, with the use of any weapons they may have brought with them, forced the Captain and crew down the peak halyard tied perhaps to some kind of makeshift life raft. They then tried to sink the Mary Celeste using the pumps by pumping water into the ship, however once that scheme obviously failed, and since setting the boat ablaze was not an option (1,692 barrels of alcohol...Kaboom!), they made their hasty exit on the ship's lone 'Yawl' (lifeboat) using the stolen sextant and maritime chronometer, and set sail for the Azores where they would have either sank the life-boat upon arrival, used it to perhaps sail for the Barbary Coast of West Africa, or caught a lift with a local fishing vessel heading back to Portugal.

At any rate, the Stowaways did not want to be traced back to the ship in any way, therefore had little or no use for the Mary Celeste's cargo. The Mary Celeste's Captain and crew were left clinging to makeshift flotsam and probably drowned by high seas. The Stowaways had brought all the supplies they needed and enough cash to 'pay-off' any longshoremen or authorities necessary. Just a hunch?!

(oh, and they blew the rest of their money on 'Bitches and Hos' and lived happily ever after!)

'SHERLOCK CT' December 2011

In Search OF: The Mary Celeste

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Un-Mutual Of Omaha's Wild Human Kingdom

A Leopard can't change his spots

Welcome to 'Un-mutual of Omaha's Wild Human Kingdom' and I'm your host Marlin Gherkin!
This week we look at the mating and spousal rituals of a species we're all too familiar with, The Occidental Human and the mating and dysfunctional relationships within it's complex habitat.

The 'Ubiquitous Occidental Male' strongly desires his 'Occidental Female Mutation' counterpart, and in order to ensure her chances of procreating, the newly mutated Occidental Female takes steps to make herself as 'irresistible' as possible to the Male. She accomplishes this by keeping a slim physique, wearing tight fitting and sometimes revealing clothing, whilst attempting to assert her own 'individuality' often by projecting a mystique, which usually incorporates strategic piercings, brazen tattoos, and by manifesting her own sense of 'personal style'. Another skill once used, but which is now in decline in occidental culture is our Female Mutation's cooking ability, and it's capacity to win over her Male through the weakness of his ravenous appetite…this decline is probably due to the plethora and availability of cheap fast food restaurants.

And because the mutated Female's imperative is to 'reproduce', she realizes that what she needs to accomplish her genetic mission boils down to TWO essential things: Sperm, and Resources… but now she has found her perfect match, the 'Ubiquitous Occidental Male'.

The Female Mutation knows the Occidental Male has been conditioned by his culture not to focus on the introspective thoughts of self-analysis, but instead by nurturing a mechanism which will prove to be his ultimate undoing, the fabrication and cultivation of his 'fragile ego'!  He begins to receive this validation once he's full grown and is able to afford buying a real version of the toy car, truck or motorcycle he once played with as a child.

The 'Occidental Female Mutation' also knows her male counterpart is generally weak in the face of his own desires. Her capacity to 'outlast' the Male of the species is well documented. She knows the 'Love' he feels for 'his woman', is only a natural mechanism developed throughout millions of years of evolution designed to keep him faithful to her, and in order to better maintain a cohesive family unit, whose stability is essential for the psychological and thus social 'well being' of 'HER' offspring.

In fact, the entirety of occidental culture revolves around the adoration of the Occidental Male, and the nurturing and construction of his fragile ego. Once this animal-human hybrid reaches maturity, he soon becomes the perfect dupe for a plan which stimulates global economic expansion, subjugating peoples of less developed cultures, whilst having a devastating impact on our planets ecosystem.

The Female Mutation's next step is to then become the 'object' of the Males desire. What she must now decide, is which kind of 'Ubiquitous Occidental Male' she wishes to attract...once she has decided on a 'type' (and there are many) she will then proceed to assume a sense of style she knows will attract the type of Occidental Male which best suits her needs.
She develops and perfects this technique in order to get 'him' to approach 'her', and once he does this, she can now feel free to proceed into a relationship with him, confidently knowing that it is SHE who has the 'upper hand'.

By returning his affections, and even showing an interest in his passions, she manages to pull off her 'coup d'etat' by gently inflating our 'Ubiquitous Occidental Male's' 'fragile ego', This act reinforces his delusional sense of self-importance and causes him to believe somehow she has selected 'him' above all other Males. Our Occidental Male then 'falls in love' with the Female Mutation, even to a point where his deterministic programming provides him with a feeling of possessiveness towards her.

Soon our couple enter into a relationship, which in turn leads to three things: a Marriage, a House, and/or Kids.
Once these deeds are consummated, our Occidental Male must be thinking he has won some kind of lottery, and has in no way any desire to change this 'perfect' system... oh, but that's until… 

The Female Mutation begins to 'change' dramatically, This is one of nature's most astounding metamorphosis'…as her 'true intentions' now begin to swell up from it's dormant home within murky depths of her sub-conscious mind, and on up to it's new home, at the very forefront of her newly realized 'Occidental Female Conscious Personae'.

The Female's interest in the Males 'passions' soon begins to wane, and it is now time for her to begin issuing her demands, These demands will often require the 'Ubiquitous Occidental Male' to do much 'unforeseen' labour, make uncomfortable social commitments, and steadfastly engage in the insatiable economic expansion of the family unit.   

Boy, she really has 'our old boy' on a treadmill now!!!

For our Male, unable to keep pace with this new paradigm, he soon resents this new reality, and begins to develop a generally grouchy demeanour. Our Female Mutation now begins to feel 'unloved' and soon engages in the highly political process of 'withholding her affections'.

Due to his gender programming, the Ubiquitous Occidental Male doesn't fully understand the transformation happening to his beloved wife, and is unable to properly communicate his frustrations to her, causing him to make attempts at mastering the art of telepathy.. by now he's beginning to feel very insecure, or even 'trapped'! 

"Ahh Ya Monkey!"
Thoroughly confused, at this point, the Occidental Male attempts in vain to rekindle 'amorous relations' with the Female Mutation. Sensing his desire to appease her wrath, the Female quickly stonewalls the Male until the Male is able to somehow 'get with her program'. If our Ubiquitous Occidental Male is unable to do this, the Female Mutation will then proceed to nag him incessantly by becoming quite crabby;  as she is now becoming a general drag on his daily existence.

Bravo Occidental Female Mutation!  our Ubiquitous Occidental Male's 'fragile ego' is now thoroughly and completely shattered!

Living a life of misery, our Male can now see only three options available to him: 
1. Infidelity, (cheating on his wife, having a mistress, boinking the neighbour, or seeking the services of a prostitute)
2. External Violence (manifesting against either his wife, kids, or a fellow co-worker, in the form of 'Road Rage' or perhaps against the 'asshole' husband living next door)
3. Self-Violence (alcohol abuse, and other substance abuse, and other extreme forms of self-hate) 

Once the Male has selected anyone of these three options, our shortsighted and Ubiquitous Occidental Male has earned the privilege of having chosen his method of self-destruction.  Perhaps this is his roundabout way of avoiding a painful confrontation by provoking causality directly.

Our Female Mutation is now 'free' to file for a divorce, by the legal and administrative process of taking her now former Ubiquitous Occidental Male partner to 'the cleaners'. 

There's 'good news' though!  Our 'Ubiquitous Occidental Male' is also now 'free' to pursue a new course of becoming 'trapped once again' by yet another 'Occidental Female Mutation' anxious to take whatever of his measly resources remains.

Now our 'Occidental Female Mutation' is free to spend her afternoons sipping lattes at the corporate franchise coffee-shop of her choice, whilst texting anyone of her 508 Facebook 'friends', or to perhaps even experiment with her newfound sexual orientation.

For the Occidental Female Mutation it's: "Mission Accomplished!"  as she has now both 'procreated' and secured precious resources. And although our Male may never be totally free of his financial servitude, he is at least free from living in a house on a day-to-day basis with 'that fucking bitch'.

Winner: The Occidental Female Mutation,
Silver medal: Our lowly and Ubiquitous Occidental Male, 
and the loser(s): 'the kid(s)'.
So until next week…This is Marlin Gherkin saying 'so long' from 'Un-Mutual of Omaha's Wild Human Kingdom'!

Dirty CT   December 2011